Oh My Gosh

Today I met with the plastic surgeon who will be performing the reconstruction after my mastectomy.  We chatted, and she measured and calculated.  We discussed various options and decided on immediate reconstruction after the mastectomy procedure, instead of expanders that require another surgery a few months down the line. Somehow, I just didn't feel that I could undergo this major surgery now, knowing that I would have to have another one in 2-3 months. I am not that crazy!!  I felt very comfortable with the doctor and we even managed a few giggles over my new boobies.

When it came to scheduling my surgery, I had an OMG moment.  A woman had to cancel her surgery for this coming Monday, and they wanted to know if I was up for taking her place. Wow...I have become so accustomed to waiting and waiting and waiting, and now I have the biggest surgery of my life in just 5 days!?!  There is much to do to prepare for this life-changing experience and I don't really think I am ready, but then again, will I ever really be "ready". Probably not.  So, I have 4 days to get the kids ready, the house organized, and my teaching job covered.  It's all a bit overwhelming at the moment, but I am confident that somehow it will all work out.  

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

Mother Theresa

Another decision made

I completed my MRI on Tuesday and received a call from Dr. Hills on Wednesday.  “The MRI showed nothing.”  At first that news sounded good, but I soon found out otherwise.  The MRI didn’t even show the cancer that was known, let alone anything new.  Doctors believe that I have a rare subgroup of lobular cancer that doesn’t present itself using available technology.  The problem—we have no way of knowing what is growing in either breast.  It took only a few minutes to decide that a bilateral total mastectomy would be our safest choice.  I have scheduled an appointment with a plastic surgeon for next Wednesday to discuss reconstruction following surgery, and I am hopeful that this process can begin soon.  The moments following the mastectomy decision were quiet as I pondered how I would use this as yet another lesson about life.  Physical features do not define who I am as a person, and I will be no less of a woman after surgery than I was before.  Illustrating this concept to my children will be one of my biggest challenges—bring it on!

 

“Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.”

Arthur Golden

Frustration

Ughhh, this process can be so frustrating.  I was scheduled for my second MRI on Friday, exactly within the correct window of my menstral cycle, but when we arrived, they informed us that the machines were “down” and they didn’t know when they would be fixed.  Rick and I waited for 2 hours with our fingers crossed, but the MRI computers were never repaired (and I wasted my anti-anxiety pill, too).  My reaction was, of course, what every mature adult would do---I cried!  They even gave Rick and I a separate room, away from the other customers--I suppose because a crying patient isn’t always good for business:).  I was rescheduled for Monday (and prescribed another pill), but at 7:30 am Monday morning, the Huntington MRI center called to let me know that the machines had stopped working again.  Geez!  At least I didn’t waste my anti-anxiety pill again!  I waited all day to see if they could get them up and going, but it didn’t happen.  I have an appointment at 3:15 on Tuesday, and I can only pray that all technical difficulties will be remedied. I know I will eventually get my MRI completed, but all the waiting can be emotionally exhausting at times.

 

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man without trials.”

Confucius

Bracelets

I don’t often find myself speechless, but today it actually happened. I arrived at work to find that someone had put an adorable pink breast cancer bracelet in my mailbox. Attached was a note stating that the staff at Ben Lomond was supporting me in my fight against breast cancer. And as the day progressed, I couldn’t help but notice all the pink bracelets around the wrists of my colleagues. To see so many friends wearing “pink” just for me was a gesture for which I have no words. It was their silent way of saying, “we care”, and I found myself staring frequently at my own wrist…smiling.

My fight against breast cancer has been a scary ride, with information and treatments changing often. There have been tears, joy, laughter, worry, and a gamut of other emotions mixed in. I have relied heavily upon family and friends to keep my world spinning when, at times, I felt as if it stopped. Today was another illustration of the power of friendship and the generosity of the human spirit.

It might just be a simple rubber bracelet to some, but to me it meant the world. Just one more reason to stand tall, face forward and keep fighting!

"Friends are the angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

Author Unknown

MRI Part 2

It came as no surprise that doctors have decided that I need another MRI.  The MRI will be performed next Friday, however, technology is only so sophisticated.  Whether you are speaking of mammograms, sonograms or MRI’s, none are very effective at detecting tumors smaller than 6mm.  The tumor they have found in my breast is most likely smaller than that, and remember, it was found simply by accident as they were trying to grab some calcifications.  I prayed last week that the biopsy would be benign, and part of it was.  But today I can’t help but feel grateful that doctors stumbled upon the cancer.  Had they not, my second tumor may have gone undetected, and could have possibly grown and spread before we even knew about it.  So, as I await my next MRI, I can't help but wonder... "Who was really guiding the doctor's hand last week?"

"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Garth Brooks

Two Percent

I was supposed to get my radiation tattoos today--supposed to schedule my radiation times--supposed to leave feeling relief that treatment was moving forward.  But cancer isn't always predictable, and I should have known not to get my hopes up that everything would go as planned today.

I knew something was wrong as soon as Dr. Kway (the radiologist) said, "We need to talk".  She had the unfortunate task of informing me that although my calcifications came back normal (benign) last week, the breast tissue stain did not.  There was a 98% chance the tissue would be normal, 2% chance it would not...I hit the dreaded 2% today and learned that they have found more cancer, unrelated to the first tumor.  

My cancer team is taking my case to their conference on Friday to determine what to do next.  I heard the words MRI, surgery, mastectomy, radiation...etc., but to be honest, I had a hard time taking the news in and processing it all.  It was all rather unexpected and overwhelming.  So I will wait again until Friday,  when they will call me and present me with their findings.  There are times I feel like I might just be fighting a battle I can't win.  But the thought quickly fades when I look at my children. I will fight...and I will fight hard.  I will do whatever it takes to beat this disease called "cancer".  I am more determined than ever to win! 

"When you are feeling your worst, that's when you get to know yourself the best."

Leslie Grossman