I Can Drive and Shower

Met with the surgeon, Dr. Hills, today and she showed me some stretching exercises to do.  And if I may say so, she was impressed that I was only a few inches away from my goal alreadyJ.  She gave me permission to drive short trips, but best of all, I can now take a shower!!!  No more 3 inch baths for me.  The recovery process continues to amaze me and I can’t help but wonder, “What in the world am I going to do with myself for the next 4 weeks?”  So for now, I will focus on my new exercises and stretching my arms those last few inches…a goal I am determined to conquer within the next few days!

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."


 Mahatma Gandhi

Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

MaryAnne Radmacher

 

Time

My, oh my how time does fly by, even when you can’t drive yourself anywhere.  The past few days have been very busy.  I was able to attend all my kids baseball/softball games and enjoyed getting out in the fresh air and chatting with friends.  I am still a bit stiff and sore, but nothing too bad at all.  I can honestly say that I thought my recovery would take longer.  It’s not that I feel completely normal right now, it’s just that I can do pretty much what I need to with little discomfort at all.  The body can sure be an amazing machine at times.  I have a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday morning and should learn some exercises that will help me get behind the wheel of my car soon!!!  So that’s that…nothing too exciting…just enjoying time off and recovering more and more each dayJ.

"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."

Author Unknown

 

"Linda's Gems"

I have a teamJ.  Just when I thought I had witnessed all possible forms of support and generosity, I checked my work email and learned otherwise.  One of my coworkers organized a team of people called “Linda’s Gems” to run/walk in the Susan Komen Race for the Cure on March 15.  They are participating in my honor and have raised almost $1,000.00.  That is so unbelievable to me (I might actually be rendered speechless once again).  The outpouring of support from so many during this difficult time makes me step back and shake my head.  It’s hard to describe what it’s like to stand in my shoes, see what I see, and feel what I feel.  It’s definitely not misery, sadness and depression.  I am in awe of people.  I am amazed at the extent that people will go to help and support those in need.  I have been changed by my diagnosis with cancer, of course.  But I believe I am more changed by the people who have rallied around my family, ready to help in any way they can.  I am one fortunate person, and I will never be the same.

 

"A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart."  

Author Unknown


Susan Komen Race for the Cure

Battle Scars

Getting ready to go watch Jake's baseball game...my first outing that didn't involve a doctor:)

I had an appointment with the surgeon today and got the final two drains removed.  The bigger part of today, though, had more to do with viewing myself through new eyes.  The past week has been one of recovery, with my chest pretty heavily bandaged and covered.  I got a little peek the day I left the hospital when the doctors changed all the dressings, but until today, I had no real opportunities to look at my breasts.  I was a little nervous about the emotions that might accompany looking at myself for the first time. 

So, I stood in front of the mirror and slowly unbuttoned my shirt.  I stared for a bit, and then smiledJ.  Sure there are two large scars, sure there is swelling and bruising, sure I look different than before…but then again, I am different now.  I may look a bit battered, but hey, I’m winning!  I’m winning the biggest battle of my life.  Those two scars are simply “battle wounds”… reminders of a difficult fight with cancer, where I am winning the opportunity to live, to see my children graduate, marry and have families of their own.  How can I possibly be sad? 

So the day I may have been dreading the most, brought a sense of exhilaration instead.  I realize that my recovery emotions may change at times, but at least for today I can say, “I love the new me!”

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature.  A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed—done with.”

Harry Crews

A Bit Restless

I think I got my first taste of restlessness today.  I missed my first opening day ceremonies for both baseball and softball. Instead of watching my children play, I was sitting in the same spot on the couch watching movies, waiting for text updates.  It crossed my mind to make just a short appearance at the games, but common sense kicked in.  The day at home—so quiet as I realized many of you were running from field to field, game to game.  Made me somewhat envious, to be honest.  I know there are many more games this season, but I do so like to be where the action isJ.  Next weekend, though, is another story and I am determined to cheer on my three kiddos from the stands. 

My spectacular milestone for the day:  washing my own hair and taking no Tylenol.  Yeah, my kids weren’t very impressed either…

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway."

Emory Austin

Small Steps

I woke today and actually felt pretty good….even took a 2 inch bath and got dressed all by myself!  Had to take a 40 minute nap when I was done, but oh well, it’s still progress.  I have learned to appreciate all the small steps leading to recovery, and will continue to brag to my family and friends about my huge accomplishments!  And since I am in bragging mode, I will share that I also made myself a cup of coffee today.  Oh, I can tell you are not impressed, but that involved reaching for a cup and opening the refrigerator…now we’re talking!  I met with the doctor today and she removed two of the four drains from my sides.  I imagined it being quite painful, but it really wasn’t so bad.  So, I look to tomorrow, excited about what milestone may be achieved and frankly, just happy to be alive!!!

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts - it's what you do with what you have left."  

Hubert Humphrey  

Pathology Report

Dr. Hills just called me with the news:).  The pathology report on my breast tissue revealed that there was no cancer in my right breast at all (thank goodness).  The left breast had one lobular cancer that was 7 mm, and a few lobes with atypical cells within them.  Not technically considered cancer at this point, but might have grown into it later.  They removed all tissue with clear margins and so at this point, it looks like I will not need radiation!!!  Yee haw.  I am a bit nervous about getting too excited, knowing how frequently things seem to change in the "cancer arena", but I believe I may actually sleep with a slight smirky smile on my face tonight.  A huge thanks to the family and friends who have kept me in their daily prayers---wheeeeew!

"Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires-disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way."

Bernie S. Siegel

Home At Last

     Well, I made it:).  I was released Wednesday around 1:00 or so and drove home with the window down trying to enjoy fresh air (and fight nausea).  I believe I am doing well.  When I am sitting, there is relatively little pain to deal with.  As I move around, there is a stiff/soreness that surrounds my middle section.  I think the part that bothers me the most is the 4 drains that hang from my sides.  These drains suction out the body fluids that I manufacture while my body tries to heal.  It's kind of like a blister--your body fills up empty spaces with fluid until the skin can reattach to the tissue.  I do not look forward to the removal of these tubes either, but it's all part of the process.

    Other than that--it's good to be home.  There is something about your own couch, chair, bed, toilet...etc.  I love being around family and friends, and none of them wake me up at 4:00 am to take my vital signs!  I slept pretty good last night and I am trying Tylenol today instead of prescription pain meds because I still feel a bit nauseous at times.  We will see how that one goes though:).  Thanks for all the support, comments, emails, flowers, calls, texts...etc; they have been a source of great comfort the past few days.  

"Damaged people are dangerous.  They know they can survive."

Josephine Hart

Tuesday Night Update

I figure that by the time I come up with an original title for these posts, I won't be doing this anymore!  Bear with me.  I heard from Linda at 9:30 this evening.  She was watching American Idol.  She's doing much better; she actually sounded pretty good.  Her headache, described as "a caffeine withdrawal, splitting headache" finally disappeared about 7:00 pm.  Rick and the kids came in for a visit and stayed about an hour.  She still expects to go home Wednesday some time after the doctors run their tests and do what doctors do.  I plan to see her in the a.m if she is still in the hospital.  Will post again around noon.

Tuesday Update

Well, as expected (and warned about), today has been tough.  She is extremely sore yet not in a great deal of pain.   She did, however, struggle with a massive headache and nausea this morning when my mother visited.   A few suggestions were made about changing the brand of medication she is taking but Linda has, in the past, been prone to queasiness with several of them.  She indicated she would like to just try Tylenol.  If she's lucky, this will solve the pain and headache issues she is facing. Other than that, my mom said she looked okay; she's not really up for much conversation and perhaps a little low due mostly to her headache.  Tomorrow (Wednesday) is still scheduled to be her release day.  I hope to post once more tonight.

Monday Night Update

As I indicated in the previous post, Linda came out of the surgery with no complications. According to Rick, she is good for about one or two words at a time before drifting off to sleep. Gotta love those meds! Her doctor will watch her closely tomorrow (Tuesday) for pain issues and/or adverse reactions to her pain relief medication. They also warned Rick that it will be her worst day as she adjusts to her discomfort. My mom will see her in the late morning and will let me know how she is doing. I hope to have more info by 2:00 p.m.

Post Surgical Update

Rick reported to us that Linda's five-hour surgery is now over. Both surgeons informed Rick that "it went great". I'll talk to my mom later this evening to see if she has heard additional information. I'll post again before I go to bed.

Ways to stay updated

Many have expressed the desire to stay informed about my surgery and recovery.  My sister, Julie, has agreed to keep up my blog and will post updates over the next couple days. The 5-6 hour procedure will begin Monday at 10:30 am, so her first post will most likely be at dinnertime or after.  

My friend, Karin, has graciously volunteered to be a contact/liasion, and doesn't mind phone calls from those of you seeking information or ways to help. She is actually quite good at organizing and  coordinating my life:).  (626) 216-5801

And so...I will talk to you soon!

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that an airplane takes off against the wind, not with it."

Henry Ford

Sunday

Picture is of the $100 donation made by Ben Lomond student council to the Susan Komen "Race for the Cure" foundation:)

The past few days have gone by in a whirlwind. Things have been hectic to say the least. I have attempted to ready our lives for what is about to take place, because as mothers, that’s just what we do. I somehow will rest easier knowing that my family can eat and locate their sporting uniforms while I am gone.

As I ran around completing last minute errands, everyone I encountered had encouraging words, offers of help for my family, prayers, hugs and smiles. I may have cancer, but I am also fortunate enough to be surrounded by some of the most amazing friends the world can offer. The support takes on many different forms, all of it appreciated. To say I am not scared would be a lie. I am afraid of many things right now: the cancer, the pain, the drains, the effect on my family, looking at myself for the first time…etc. It can all be completely overwhelming at times. However, I have no doubt that the most incredible friends and family will be there to walk me through this process, and pick me up when I fall (and they won’t even be angry when I am cranky). How lucky can a person get? So, on the day before my mastectomy, I am humbled once again by the concern and loving spirit shown by so many in our lives. “Thank you” doesn’t seem like enough, but it’s all I have. Tomorrow will come...let the healing begin!

“Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear and injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.”

Dorothy Thompson

Oh My Gosh

Today I met with the plastic surgeon who will be performing the reconstruction after my mastectomy.  We chatted, and she measured and calculated.  We discussed various options and decided on immediate reconstruction after the mastectomy procedure, instead of expanders that require another surgery a few months down the line. Somehow, I just didn't feel that I could undergo this major surgery now, knowing that I would have to have another one in 2-3 months. I am not that crazy!!  I felt very comfortable with the doctor and we even managed a few giggles over my new boobies.

When it came to scheduling my surgery, I had an OMG moment.  A woman had to cancel her surgery for this coming Monday, and they wanted to know if I was up for taking her place. Wow...I have become so accustomed to waiting and waiting and waiting, and now I have the biggest surgery of my life in just 5 days!?!  There is much to do to prepare for this life-changing experience and I don't really think I am ready, but then again, will I ever really be "ready". Probably not.  So, I have 4 days to get the kids ready, the house organized, and my teaching job covered.  It's all a bit overwhelming at the moment, but I am confident that somehow it will all work out.  

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

Mother Theresa

Another decision made

I completed my MRI on Tuesday and received a call from Dr. Hills on Wednesday.  “The MRI showed nothing.”  At first that news sounded good, but I soon found out otherwise.  The MRI didn’t even show the cancer that was known, let alone anything new.  Doctors believe that I have a rare subgroup of lobular cancer that doesn’t present itself using available technology.  The problem—we have no way of knowing what is growing in either breast.  It took only a few minutes to decide that a bilateral total mastectomy would be our safest choice.  I have scheduled an appointment with a plastic surgeon for next Wednesday to discuss reconstruction following surgery, and I am hopeful that this process can begin soon.  The moments following the mastectomy decision were quiet as I pondered how I would use this as yet another lesson about life.  Physical features do not define who I am as a person, and I will be no less of a woman after surgery than I was before.  Illustrating this concept to my children will be one of my biggest challenges—bring it on!

 

“Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.”

Arthur Golden

Frustration

Ughhh, this process can be so frustrating.  I was scheduled for my second MRI on Friday, exactly within the correct window of my menstral cycle, but when we arrived, they informed us that the machines were “down” and they didn’t know when they would be fixed.  Rick and I waited for 2 hours with our fingers crossed, but the MRI computers were never repaired (and I wasted my anti-anxiety pill, too).  My reaction was, of course, what every mature adult would do---I cried!  They even gave Rick and I a separate room, away from the other customers--I suppose because a crying patient isn’t always good for business:).  I was rescheduled for Monday (and prescribed another pill), but at 7:30 am Monday morning, the Huntington MRI center called to let me know that the machines had stopped working again.  Geez!  At least I didn’t waste my anti-anxiety pill again!  I waited all day to see if they could get them up and going, but it didn’t happen.  I have an appointment at 3:15 on Tuesday, and I can only pray that all technical difficulties will be remedied. I know I will eventually get my MRI completed, but all the waiting can be emotionally exhausting at times.

 

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man without trials.”

Confucius

Bracelets

I don’t often find myself speechless, but today it actually happened. I arrived at work to find that someone had put an adorable pink breast cancer bracelet in my mailbox. Attached was a note stating that the staff at Ben Lomond was supporting me in my fight against breast cancer. And as the day progressed, I couldn’t help but notice all the pink bracelets around the wrists of my colleagues. To see so many friends wearing “pink” just for me was a gesture for which I have no words. It was their silent way of saying, “we care”, and I found myself staring frequently at my own wrist…smiling.

My fight against breast cancer has been a scary ride, with information and treatments changing often. There have been tears, joy, laughter, worry, and a gamut of other emotions mixed in. I have relied heavily upon family and friends to keep my world spinning when, at times, I felt as if it stopped. Today was another illustration of the power of friendship and the generosity of the human spirit.

It might just be a simple rubber bracelet to some, but to me it meant the world. Just one more reason to stand tall, face forward and keep fighting!

"Friends are the angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

Author Unknown

MRI Part 2

It came as no surprise that doctors have decided that I need another MRI.  The MRI will be performed next Friday, however, technology is only so sophisticated.  Whether you are speaking of mammograms, sonograms or MRI’s, none are very effective at detecting tumors smaller than 6mm.  The tumor they have found in my breast is most likely smaller than that, and remember, it was found simply by accident as they were trying to grab some calcifications.  I prayed last week that the biopsy would be benign, and part of it was.  But today I can’t help but feel grateful that doctors stumbled upon the cancer.  Had they not, my second tumor may have gone undetected, and could have possibly grown and spread before we even knew about it.  So, as I await my next MRI, I can't help but wonder... "Who was really guiding the doctor's hand last week?"

"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Garth Brooks

Two Percent

I was supposed to get my radiation tattoos today--supposed to schedule my radiation times--supposed to leave feeling relief that treatment was moving forward.  But cancer isn't always predictable, and I should have known not to get my hopes up that everything would go as planned today.

I knew something was wrong as soon as Dr. Kway (the radiologist) said, "We need to talk".  She had the unfortunate task of informing me that although my calcifications came back normal (benign) last week, the breast tissue stain did not.  There was a 98% chance the tissue would be normal, 2% chance it would not...I hit the dreaded 2% today and learned that they have found more cancer, unrelated to the first tumor.  

My cancer team is taking my case to their conference on Friday to determine what to do next.  I heard the words MRI, surgery, mastectomy, radiation...etc., but to be honest, I had a hard time taking the news in and processing it all.  It was all rather unexpected and overwhelming.  So I will wait again until Friday,  when they will call me and present me with their findings.  There are times I feel like I might just be fighting a battle I can't win.  But the thought quickly fades when I look at my children. I will fight...and I will fight hard.  I will do whatever it takes to beat this disease called "cancer".  I am more determined than ever to win! 

"When you are feeling your worst, that's when you get to know yourself the best."

Leslie Grossman